Stage One: Attraction
Oh, those heady feelings of attraction. This is the first stage of dating. You see someone across the room and you feel an intense desire to go in for a closer look, your entire being is aware of his every move. You try to resist taking peeks at his physique, or his eyes are what draw you in. You don’t know why but you feel drawn like moth to a flame. It’s a deep instinct that seems out of your control.
Get Inside The Mind Of a Man
Attraction is easy. Most of us by now know what physical attributes we find attractive. Maintaining that attraction and setting the stage day after day for it to grow, now that’s more challenging. However, if you You prepare by getting to know who you are, what you must have in a man in order to be happy. You make it a priority to understand how men really think and the reasons for their sometimes confusing behaviors. Many of us make the mistake of thinking that if a man is our soul mate that the relationship will just work out. The truth is that there are many communication pitfalls that can occur that derail even the most earnest of couples. If you want to understand more about how to communicate with men so love is easier, read Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus.
yourself for finding true love, you will know how to get through this stage
|First Stage Of Dating: Attraction|
Have An Open Heart
Another requirement for attracting love is to have an open heart. This is absolutely essential or we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Whether your heart is closed because someone hurt you in the past or you had a few bad dating experiences or perhaps because you are more focused on something else.
When your heart is closed, you are not ready to find true love. If you find yourself holding on to hurts, shame, resentments, distrust or any negative emotion from past relationships, you are not ready for love. Have you ever noticed that after someone cheated on you that you became hyper-vigilant and even more than a little bit suspicious of your next partner’s actions? Even though he never displayed any behaviors that would suggest he would be unfaithful? You must resolve these negative emotions first to open up your heart for true love to come in and also so you your clean heart can discern when someone is wrong for you. When your heart is holding on to pain, this pain will be a factor in who you choose and this could lead to you selecting the wrong person. Ideally, you want your choice to come from a pure open heart. so you can greet it lovingly without any emotional baggage from your past.
You Must Practice To Get Good At Identifying Good Matches
In his book Mars and Venus on a Date, John Gray, Phd, likens the search for a life mate to a game of archery. It takes practice and with practice comes increasing proficiency. What you are aiming for (the target) is the right person and your attraction is the arrow. He says “to aim and hit the center takes a lot of practice. Some people may hit the center right away, but most do not. Some people may take longer than necessary because something is wrong in their approach. It is the same with relationships. Each time you go out and discover that this is the wrong person for you, your mind will self correct, and next time you feel attracted to someone who is closer to being the right person [for you]. If someone is clearly far from your type then we need to compensate a lot, but if he or she is close, then we should compensate just a little.
Correctly assessing someone is important for fine tuning our ability to be attracted to someone who is either right for us or at least closer to the target. With accurate information we can make the necessary adjustments in our trajectory [until] eventually we will just aim and hit the target.”
Do You Know Exactly What You Are Looking For?
While it is important to be able to quickly assess someone without wasting too much time and without becoming attached to the wrong person, it is equally important for you to know who you are. Well. It is only by knowing yourself fully that you can accurately assess your needs, your truest desires and then use this knowledge to define exactly the type of person who will fulfill your needs and make you happy. Many people find that their soul mates came into their lives only after they finally decide to do the soul searching and self preparation necessary to clear the way for true love to come in. You must know yourself first. Too often I hear older women remark that “Im grown” as their way of covering mistakes, errors in thinking, errors in judgment that clearly happened because they do not know themselves as well as they claim to. Regardless the endeavor in life, if we are going to excel at it, we must prepare. We must do the work. Finding a mate for the rest of your life demands that you prepare or you may find that the love you find is not lasting.
How To Prepare For Love
This preparation is done by self inventory, by seeking out the help of a relationship coach, and by finding the best relationship books on the market. The best ones will teach you how to prepare yourself for love instead of simply regurgitating clichés that abound. Cliches such as you have to be a bitch in order to find love. It’s those clichés that often keep us stuck in a love rut without us knowing why or what to do about it. They become part of our internal dialogue and we continue to repeat bad habits that cause us to miss out on true love.
An important part of preparing for love is independence. Too often we seek out relationships because we are needy in some way. Before we even begin dating, we must satisfy our basic needs on our own. We must learn to love being alone without being not lonely. We must develop our own interests and hobbies and a full lifestyle that reflects who we are, first. This way, we approach dating because we are self-sufficient, because we are whole and not because we are searching for someone to make us feel better or to help us fill a need.
Hopefully, before you prepare yourself for love before you feel that next tug of desire in a handsome stranger.
How To Keep Him Attracted in Stage One
In a nutshell, you look your best (so he maintains that image of you he was initially attracted to)and then you demonstrate who you are by the way you speak and by the things you do. No room for error, right? Too many women make the mistake of being unauthentic here which can only lead to dating disaster.
The importance of knowing who you are and living it every day is apparent here. If you are already striving every day to look your best and live your best life, this part is seamless. All that’s needed is for the right man to come into your life who appreciates that type of woman. Do not be fake. But be the best you can be.
Here are a few suggestions to get you started thinking of ways to impress your date and keep the attraction growing as you progress from the attraction stage:
1. Make the effort to dress well. And dress appropriately. You don’t want to show up to go horseback riding in stilettos or he may immediately see you as an unsuitable match if he is looking for an outdoorsy type. Likewise, if you are going to a restaurant, get a feel for the dress code. Remember, he was attracted to you because you presented a certain image. Men enjoy the feeling of having an attractive woman on their arm. Maintain that image and he will continue to feel attraction.
2. Skip the negative aspects of your day. As women, when we feel comfortable with someone, we tend to share everything. We discuss our frustrations or fears, our secret dislike for our boss. There will be time much later on if the friendship progresses to the intimacy stage for him to slowly discover these things. When women discuss negative issues, men immediately think (in error, of course) that we are asking for help or advice. This early in the dating game, a man may see it as needy. You want to avoid him misinterpreting your off-the cuff story of a bad day at work as your inability to take control of your life. Too many negative stories and he may begin to associate you with negativity which does not every lead to romance. Or, he may think you are simply a women who is difficult to please. I say, spend your time on topics that demonstrate how much you enjoy the life you have. The attraction stage is best used to share the wonderful things you do and are. Let him see you at your best. Save the complaining for your girlfriends. They already know how wonderful you are.
3. Draw him into conversations that help you get to know his essence. Though you must ask about boring topics such as his work, don’t make the mistake of allowing him to dominate the conversation with work stories. You direct the conversation. Gently. Get to know what makes him laugh, where he goes on vacation, what his hobbies are. Get him talking about why he was attracted to you. Learn how to be playful and teasing without being overtly sexual. These are the conversations that will keep him thinking of you and panting for the next date. Remember, this is simply the attraction stage. You already know that you both have plenty of physical attraction to go around. Your goal is to keep it that way. You also need to know at this stage if there is mental attraction. Does he interest you beyond the physical? Do you like him? You get these answers and at the same time, you keep the attraction level high with activities and topics that he finds unresistably exciting.
4. Get creative. Find activities that you both find exciting that will allow you to talk, to demonstrate your prowess at ping pong, or how great you are at pool. Find activities that will bring you in close proximity to each other. Though intimacy is still three stages away, the promise of it at this stage will be exciting to you both and certainly keep the attraction growing.
5. Continue living your life. It is so tempting at this time to blow off girlfriends in order to spend more time with this exciting stranger. However, it is best that you show him that you have a full life. The right man will respect you for it and will make him chase you even harder. For him, he will work harder to show you that he wants you. Men are competitive by nature and he will compete to be included more in your life. Also, this is a great way for him to see the life he would become a part of if the friendship progresses to deeper stages.
6. Allow him to pursue you. Just because you saw each other twice does not mean he is now one of your best friends. Allow him his space. You connected over karaoke and had a fabulous time laughing about it all the way home. Resist the urge to call him just to talk about that the same day or next. Allow him space to call you and to ask you for a follow-up date. Trust me, he will find you more attractive this way.
7. Stroke his ego. What do I mean? If you want a man to keep coming back for more, all you need to do is ensure that he feels good about himself when he is with you, or when he thinks about you. At this stage, a man needs to know two things. First, that he enjoys the way you look and you always look good on his arm, and two, you make the time you spend together the most fun and exciting for you both. (See the suggestions above for how to create that exciting experience.)
8. Smile. As simple as this sounds, we get older and we become so much more serious than we used to be. Men value a smile like the trees value sunlight. So put on a smile and get that youthful twinkle in your eye. It shows that you are happy to be with him, that you are having fun and that you enjoy life. Men gravitate to smiles like we do to a dog wagging its tail in NYC. So smile.
It is important that you pay attention to the stage that the relationship is at and act accordingly. At the attraction stage, you are strangers simply trying to figure out if your attraction is both mental as well as the obvious physical and if you like each other enough to proceed to the next stage and see if you can find deeper compatibility. It really goes no deeper than that. It may feel intimate. But it’s not. This is worth baring this in mind in order to keep things in perspective. Intimacy (of any type)at this point should be out of the question. If you want to find true love and progress to intimacy and even marriage, it’s worth paying attention to the stage of your dating relationship and act accordingly.
Live every day as though your life depends on it ... because
after all, IT DOES!
Image Source: mike baird via flickr
Live every day as though your life depends on it ... because
after all, IT DOES!
Image Source: mike baird via flickr